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A Los Angeles judge has ruled that Justin Bieber won’t be punished for spitting on a man and driving recklessly in his Ferrari back in May. Apparently, the guy he spat on walked onto Justin’s property, and in order to get him to leave, Justin did what any other 19-year-old with a god complex and a trillion dollars would do; he spat in the guy’s face and allegedly threatened to kill him.


Because that’s what Justin Bieber would absolutely have done if he hadn’t got his way. He’d have killed the guy. Justin can do anything he wants, remember. He’s a god. The judge said that Justin’s actions were ‘disproportionate and immature, but since the neighbor had entered the property without invitation, Bieber’s actions did not rise to the level of a criminal threat.


Why am I writing about this? Well, partly, so I can link to this picture and marvel at the horror:


Isn’t it just amazing? I mean, look at it. Not since Crazy Town and Vanilla Ice have we seen so much concentrated douchery in one place. Granted, that’s a pretty big call, but I just can’t be bothered finding another equivalency. Look at how dreadful the two of them are! They’re terrible! I can’t look away! They’re everything wrong with America! Or something like that.


The other reason I’m writing about him is that, and I seriously hate to say this – and I reiterate that I truly believe that he’s basically the worst person in the world and he is the perfect example of how horrendous 19-year-old straight guys can get when they go unchecked (I’m sure living at Justin’s house is basically like being trapped inside a real life, endless Lord of the Flies) – but I have to say, he’s looking really good. I mean, if you take away all the douche – which is realistically impossible, I know – he’s got a super cute face, great teeth, fantastic hair and unusually good skin. He’s also in pretty great shape.


There, I said it. I’m so fundamentally ambivalent about him. He’s a vile douche, but he’s actually hot.


I’m taking a shower to wash off the dirt.




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